mrsjono

I know we’re 2 weeks into the New Year now and it’s rather late to be posting this. But I know I have to get this done to make the jigsaw puzzle complete. 2009 was a year of transition and change. A tough but still rewarding year.

I never believe in "you reap what you sow". There were times when I feel I've done my best but didn't get what I should deserve. So this time round, I am just thankful that all the hard work paid off. The final semester was the toughest partly cos of dissertation. The heavy workload resulted in much frustration and unhappiness as we had so little time left for each other. On top of that, I also had to cope with the passing of my grandma. With all that I had to manage, it's amazing that this was my best of the past 7 semesters. I graduated with my desired class of honours (phew) and yes finally, I'm no longer on the line.


In my card to rs on the day of his commencement, I wrote our graduation trip was so awesome it was unbeatable. The (unpleasant) surprises we stumbled upon, the rough rides we took, unfortunate events, beautiful sceneries, kind people we met and delightful delicacies we tried were without a doubt so unforgettable they have become my fondest memories in 2009. The whole experience is just totally beyond words. The 23 days in Yunnan via Chengdu was like a mini-SEP which we'll miss in time to come.


As our journey was coming to an end, I dread (still dreading) what lies ahead. I feel (present tense) very reluctant and hesistant about embarking the next phase of my life. Starting over again, adjusting to a new environment, getting used to a new way of life were just the beginning. Being responsible for your own actions, meeting your boss expectations, pre-empting what they will ask, clarifying, understanding and communicating to another party are just some of the things we'll need to manage everyday from now on. Having an income would also mean contributing a part of our salary to support our family. As I was adapting to all these changes, I'd look back and reminisce about the good old days when we need not be accountable to anyone but ourselves.

There's still loads to learn in the coming year, loans to repay, vacations to look forward to and unknown events that will be coming our way. No more economic crisis and global pandemic attacks pls.

I have never ever not once in my life received so many Christmas presents. I don't do gift exchange to begin with. The most it's one or none each year. To be frank, I hate buying gifts. It's physically and mentally exhausting. I can spend hours walking back and forth several streets, in and out dozens of malls till my feet are sore and end up with nothing. While walking, I would be thinking if the person will like the gift. What if she doesn't like it? What if he already have something similar? What if her friends have the same idea as me? Yes, I spend most of my time torturing myself about such things. Why? I want to see their faces light up when they open the wrapper. I hope to see the "Ohh...you shouldn't have!" expression. For my closest and loved ones, I have no complaints. But why would I want to go through all the distress for people I am not close to or people who can't appreciate?

It sure feels nice receiving presents. Initially when I see presents on my desk I would go "Wow, this person bothered to get me something." When the presents come to me personally along with a handshake and 'Merry Christmas!', I would go "Oh thank you!" with an apologetic look because I have nothing to give. As the number of wrapped boxes start to increase, I start to think "Ok, is this out of courtesy bcos everyone's doing it or what?" You know the thing about gifts? Once you start, you can't stop. Now I feel obliged to give back the many Christmas presents I have received. If I can choose, I'd rather not receive any presents.

Who invented Christmas presents? It's such a hassle.

Wah so pretty today. Hee
Why you wear so nice today? Going to a party later huh? No, buy liao then wear lor
Is that a new dress? The cutting looks nice. Yeah not very expensive also
Wah why you wear so nice today? Cos I'm meeting you all mah
Bluff! Haha
You should wear like that more often don't always wear shirt & jeans. Where got the last time is cos I half-day leave mah
Your camera still got battery? I want to take photo with you. Huh why?
Cos you wear very nice today mah. Haha ok

(When I reached home,)
So did anyone comment about your new dress? Ya! Many people say it's nice.
Haha, that's bcos usually you wear too ugly.
...
Hahahaha

It's been 2 months since I was really here. I've been here a couple of times over the past 2 months trying to post something but I never seem to hit the 'Publish Post' orange button. I have a number of drafts that sound like trash to me and they eventually get deleted away. I just can't pen down thoughts that have been swimming around in my head and bring my message across. What the hell is wrong with me?

It's 4 months into the job now. How am I doing? I think I'm veering off course. I've been making more and more mistakes by the day. I dwell on each mistake I made and worry about not being able to rectify it. Typical me. I start to question the purpose of doing what I'm doing everyday. Am I just going through the motion and doing something for the sake of doing? Yes. I can't seem to remember the things I've done. My mind is a total blank. I stump when asked questions. Am I learning new things everyday? No. Am I wasting my time? Yes. So what should I do next? Good question.

Policies need to be reviewed from time to time. Similarly, we need to pause, take a step back and reflect on our actions when we feel life is going downhill. Think of the possible implications before committing to an answer. When A asks B to do something and B asks me to do it, clarify with A. Stop following instructions blindly. Find out the purpose or rationale behind every request or instruction given. Predict the next move. Initiate changes. Suggest alternatives. The list goes on.

If you know me, I'm a pessimist. The glass is always half-empty. It's sunset and not sunrise at the horizon. I get chided by rs when I tell him to "look at the bright side" or "stop thinking about all the bad things" when things are not going well for him. Why? He says I'm in no position to say that when I can't do it myself. I never really figured out how to think positively. I seldom receive words of consolation or encouragement when I make mistakes or screw up. So I'm going to console myself that it's ok to make mistakes now when I'm still new. Everyone makes mistakes. If I don't make mistakes, I will not learn and grow.

A colleague once said "I psycho myself alot to continue staying in a job." I start to find this statement true...